Case Study

Roma’s story: ‘…written briefly on a plain piece of paper was “I divorce you” three times’

Under sharia law, a man can utter the words ‘Talaq; Talaq; Talaq’ – meaning divorce – and the marriage contract is cancelled. I have personally experienced how this word is used to control a woman’s actions; husbands can use the threat of divorce as a method of enforcing authority in the home and outside – a husband can order a wife to obey his rules, or find herself divorced.  If I, a British born and strong minded person, can be controlled by such means, how many other women are suffering even more? The word “Talaq” was used to control me.  I was not allowed to disclose my marriage to most people or see certain friends.  If I did so, I would get the Talaq. 

I met my future husband in May 2010.  I was attracted to his hard working and confident nature. He was an overseas Pakistani student at one of the many “dodgy” private colleges.  We got married in September 2011 in an Islamic ceremony, and then had a civil ceremony two months later – following changes to the work permit laws.  I felt happiness had finally arrived at my doorstep.  But soon after my wedding, it all went wrong; he refused to consummate the marriage.  He blamed my weight and cellulite for his lack of sexual desire.  For a long time I believed this, that I was too unattractive.   Even so, I started to accept the sexless marriage with hope that one day I will win his love. 

As time moved on, the marriage became abusive.  He would fire words at me like bullets, often calling me “disabled”, “problem child”, “obese”, “lazy” etc.  His severe psychological and emotional abuse left me gasping for air.  He never made eye contact, he would buy presents for his sister in-law but not me.  He would often bring food from his mother’s place for himself, but would never offer it to me.  He would soil the bathroom seat and expect me to clean it.  He called me smelly and told me to sit at a distance. He regularly checked my phone, computer etc.

His physical abuse he would disguise as an “accident”.  Once he trampled over my foot with great force, only to say “sorry I didn’t see you”. 

From deep inside, I began to hear a voice – it was telling me to “wake up, this man is after the maroon passport”.  I refused to acknowledge this voice at first.  I contacted domestic abuse agencies, many of which offered me to help to leave the relationship, but I still didn’t want to.   

However, eventually his abuse started to reach new heights.   My father then told me to remove him from my property, as he could not tolerate seeing me abused in this way.  I probably wanted temporary separation at this stage, but not divorce, due partly to cultural pressures – divorced woman are always looked down upon.  To be honest, I really loved him, even though he never consummated the marriage.   I was taught that love is always unconditional.  Love is free from greed, caste, religion, race etc.  In any case, my husband did not want to divorce me because he wanted me to help him apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain.  I was under great pressure to do so, because I feared Talaq. 

In May 2014, I strongly believe that my husband had become confident that he would secure his visa, and this is why he began to talk of ending our marriage.  I did not welcome this move, as I had given up my fertility years to be with him (I suffer from polycystic ovaries and had a short time only to become a mother, he was well aware of this).  Throughout our marriage, I provided food, love, warmth, and support in difficult times.  We lived together for more than two years; I believed he must have some form of attachment to me.  I now believe I was very wrong to think he loved me. 

By August, he got call from the Home Office.  I refused to attend an interview to support his leave to remain, and so he left the country.  Prior to leaving, he sent me an Islamic divorce; written briefly on a plain piece of paper was “I divorce you” three times.  My world was toppled.  It’s difficult to explain how it feels.  I never received a kiss, hug or any form of appreciation.   The Imams told me to have patience – “you will be rewarded on the day of judgment”.  Unfortunately, sharia law accepts this three-word form of divorce, where no consent from me is needed, and my opinion is not sought.   I felt that plain piece of paper was a mockery of my human rights.  

Marriage, a scared bond that should be difficult to break, has become a mockery at the hands of people like my husband. He can divorce and remarry at ease without any questions being asked. Imams would never question him as to why he did not he consummate our marriage, whereas I would be vilified for not being a good bride. They will not see that I contributed more money to put food on the table than he did, or that I have been damaged by his abuse and his bigamy.